


Cool motive, still murder

by gluupor



Series: The Continuing Adventures of the Nine-Nine [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine inspired, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 08:21:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13454238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gluupor/pseuds/gluupor
Summary: “Josten, please keep an eye on Kevin,” Wymack said. “He's gonna say something stupid and get himself punched.”“Sure,” replied Neil absently. “I'd love to see Kevin get punched.”“Try again,” said Wymack.Neil looked up from his computer screen and blinked owlishly. “I... will stop Kevin from getting punched?” he guessed.





	Cool motive, still murder

**Author's Note:**

> *sigh* Fiiiiiiiiiine. Have more.
> 
> For those of you who watch the show: Nicky is at Gina's desk, Andrew is at Amy's, Renee is at Jake's, Dan is at Terry's, Kevin and Neil are at Hitchcock and Scully's (with Kevin's back to Dan), Matt is at Boyle's desk, and Allison is at Rosa's.

It was Tuesday morning and Nicky was taking his life into his hands by trying to talk with Andrew about personal issues.

“What’s up with you and Neil?” he asked.

“Who is Neil?” Andrew replied, without turning around or looking at him.

“Ha, ha,” said Nicky. “You took him home with you a couple weeks ago. I’m your cousin and I don’t even know where you live.”

“You know too much about me already,” said Andrew.

“No I don’t!” protested Nicky. “I have a notebook where I record all the facts I know about you. It is empty except for one page where I’ve written five things. And one of those things is that no one knows where you live.” He paused thoughtfully. “Although I suppose that Neil knows now.”

“No he doesn’t,” said Andrew. “I moved the day after I took him to my apartment. And I’m going to find that notebook and destroy it.”

Nicky’s response was cut off by Neil showing up to give him a completed file that needed Wymack’s signature.

“Neil,” said Andrew flatly. “If you’re here, then who is guarding Hades?”

“Andrew,” Neil replied, coolly. “I almost didn’t recognize you without your dalmatian-skin coat.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “There is a zero percent chance that you understood that reference.”

Neil smiled sheepishly. “Matt came up with it.” He cocked his head thoughtfully. “I always thought that my childhood was abnormal, but if popular children’s movies feature dogs being skinned, then maybe not.” He shrugged and returned to his desk.

Nicky goggled. “That’s what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed. “The two of you seem to have an epic rivalry going on. Your hate sex must have been _intense_.”

Andrew tried to make Nicky stop talking by ignoring him. As this method had never worked before, he didn’t have high hopes for its success.

“Fine,” said Nicky petulantly. “If you’re not going to say anything, then I’ll be forced to tell you about my love life.”

Allison scoffed from her desk. “What love life? You’re hopeless.”

Nicky looked at her with wide eyes. “I would argue I am a beautiful angel of love, who has trouble finding love for himself.”

Allison considered. “I would watch that movie,” she admitted.

“Right?” asked Nicky excitedly. “I mean, I totally hooked up Andrew and Neil-”

“You did not,” Andrew said.

“-and I was instrumental in getting you to kick Seth to the curb because you finally realized that you deserve better-”

“You were not,” Allison said.

“-and I set Renee up with a nice man I met at church!”

“I’m a lesbian,” said Renee.

“In conclusion, I’m the best at everything,” said Nicky.

“So what’s new with your love life?” asked Renee kindly, ignoring the glare she received from Andrew.

“I met this guy, Erik, at my gym. He’s a personal trainer and he has more muscles than Matt!”

“Really?” asked Allison, incredulously. “More than Matt?”

Nicky sighed dreamily. “He is so strong but so gentle. He's like an enormous, muscular Ellen DeGeneres.” He stared off into the distance for a couple moments before shaking himself. “Here's what I’m going to do: one, invite him over; two, order some fancy take out; three, throw it in a pot and act like I cooked it. I got the idea from Yahoo! Answers.”

“Classy,” said Allison dryly.

Nicky looked affronted. “Preparing food for one's lover is the most intimate gift of all. Aside from washing their hair.”

“Ew,” replied Allison simply. “That’s the grossest thing I’ve ever heard.”

Renee gave her a look. “That's the grossest thing you've ever heard? You caught a guy on the subway with a bag of human ears.”

Allison shrugged. “Nicky saying the word ‘lover’ is still way grosser.”

“If you’re just going to make fun of me, I don't want to talk about it,” said Nicky sullenly.

“I regret the words you've already spoken,” said Andrew.

* * *

“Okay everyone,” said Wymack, coming out of his office. “There was a robbery last night at the Grand Hotel. Minyard and Walker I want you two to go down to the scene.” Andrew and Renee both stood and gathered their coats. “Day,” Wymack continued, “apparently the victim is a VIP of sorts. He’s coming to the station and I want you to take his statement.”

“A VIP?” said Nicky with interest. “Is it Chris Evans? Chris Pine? Chris Pratt? Chris Hemsworth? Chris-”

“It’s not a Chris,” Wymack cut him off. Nicky made a disappointed noise. “It’s an athlete,” Wymack expanded. He looked at his notes. “Jermy Fox? He plays exy.”

Kevin’s eyes went wide. “ _Jeremy Knox_?” he said, his voice going up an octave. “ _THE_ Jeremy Knox? Is coming here? And _I_ get to interview him?” He jumped to his feet. “Oh, thank you!” he said, and hugged Wymack tightly.

Wymack patted Kevin awkwardly on the back. When he let Wymack go, Kevin looked around to find everybody staring at him. “What?” he asked. “That wasn’t weird.” Allison scoffed. “It wasn’t!” insisted Kevin. “It’s a completely appropriate professional response to hug your Captain-slash-father when he gives you a work assignment to speak with your idol.” He gathered himself and looked around. “Wait, Jeremy Knox is coming _here_? This place is a dump! Everyone, it’s time to clean up your desks. Look at this place: half-eaten food, crumpled tissues, pictures of your families.”

“What’s wrong with our pictures?” Dan asked.

Kevin sniffed haughtily. “If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like.” He waited for them to comply. When nobody moved, he huffed angrily. “Well, what are you waiting for? Allison, clean all those magazines off your desk.”

Allison looked up at him. “Sorry, I didn’t understand you. Every time you talk I hear the sound that plays when Pac-Man dies.”

“Kevin,” said Nicky. “Calm down. It’s not that bad in here.”

Kevin strode back to his perfectly organized desk and took out a folder from his drawer. He opened it and extracted two pictures, which he had placed there for some reason that only made sense to him. He took the pictures back over to Nicky.

“Here are two pictures,” he said, holding them out. “One is your desk. The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?”

Nicky surveyed both pictures. “That one's the dump,” he said confidently, pointing at the one in Kevin’s left hand.

“They're both your desk,” said Kevin.

Wymack sighed and turned to Neil, who had a furrowed brow and was reading something on his computer.

“Josten, please keep an eye on Kevin,” he said. “He's gonna say something stupid and get himself punched.”

“Sure,” replied Neil absently. “I'd love to see Kevin get punched.”

“Try again,” said Wymack.

Neil looked up from his computer screen and blinked owlishly. “I... will stop Kevin from getting punched?” he guessed.

“There you go,” said Wymack, encouragingly. He then retreated back to his office, shaking his head as he passed Nicky and Kevin having a tug-of-war with one of Nicky’s decorative pillows.

“Kev,” Neil called. “I got an email from Thea. She’s coming by to talk to us this afternoon.”

Kevin made a strangled sound and came back to sit at his desk. Thea Muldani was the DA who had prosecuted the Moriyamas. She was over six feet tall, wore pastel makeup, was built like a tank, and had once thrown Kevin’s laptop across the room. Kevin suspected that she may be able to bench press him. He was incredibly attracted to her. The prospect of seeing both Jeremy Knox and Thea Muldani on the same day had him melting into an anxious, yet exuberant, pile of extremely bisexual goo.

“Do you need a bag to breathe into?” Neil asked.

* * *

After taking his statement, Kevin very enthusiastically shook Jeremy’s hand in both of his own. “It was so great to meet you,” he enthused. “I’m really glad that you had to come down here today.” At Jeremy’s slightly dubious expression, he backtracked a little. “I mean: oh no, crime. Crime is bad. But it’s great that you’re here.”

Jeremy managed to detach himself from Kevin and said goodbye, walking to the elevator. “I honestly think you are the greatest man who ever lived!” Kevin called after him.

“Wow,” drawled Allison as the elevator doors closed. “That was very embarrassing for you,” she told Kevin.

“It was not,” said Kevin primly. “It was a successful meeting with a man I admire.”

“Thea just emailed again,” Neil said. “She said she tried to text me, but it didn’t work. She’s on her way up.” He pulled his flip phone out of his pocket and glared at it. “Why is my phone always dead?”

“Where did you buy that?” Matt asked. “1997?”

“It’s a perfectly serviceable phone,” Neil defended.

“You paid thirteen dollars for it and you never plug it in,” said Kevin, “but we can’t deal with your strange phone issues right now. How do I look?” He tried to examine his reflection in the elevator doors.

“Pretty good,” said Allison.

“Yeah?” asked Kevin, sounding surprised yet flattered.

“Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the Don't Talk To Strangers poster,” replied Allison. “That’s what you’re going for, right?”

Kevin turned viciously to Allison. “You're what sneezes are!” he hissed, just as the elevator doors dinged open and Thea walked briskly out. She took in the room in a single glance and zeroed in on Kevin and Neil’s desks immediately.

“There’s a problem,” she said.

“Hi, Thea,” said Neil cheerfully. “Helpful hint to the scientists that program you: most humans say ‘Hello’ at the beginning of a conversation.”

“What do you know about normal humans, you tiny weirdo?” Thea asked in response.

“That’s fair,” admitted Neil. “What’s the problem?”

“Riko Moriyama is applying for bail for the duration of his appeal,” she said. Kevin made a sound like he’d swallowed his tongue. Thea spared him a glance and continued, “I’m going to need one of you to testify about why that’s a terrible idea. You’ll need to be charming and get the judge to like you so they’re more likely to listen.”

Neil looked thoughtful. “I have to imagine that it's not me you want.”

Thea gave him a sharp grin. “It is not. Kevin? Will you help? If not, I think his lawyer has a good chance of getting him bail.”

“Lawyers are monsters,” said Kevin angrily, and then realized who he was talking to. “...Except for you, you're fine,” he amended.

“Good save, Kevin,” muttered Neil. “Do you think they’ll win the appeal?” he asked Thea.

“I don’t,” she said. “We have a solid case, good evidence. But stranger things have happened.”

“Okay,” said Kevin. “I’ll testify. Will you help me prepare?”

“Of course,” said Thea. “I’ll contact you later. Keep your eyes open, both of you. If Riko gets out I imagine he’ll be gunning for revenge.”

“Awesome,” said Neil dryly.

“I’ll be in touch,” said Thea, heading back to the elevator. “Goodbye.”

“Ah, a human farewell,” said Neil. “Nicely done.” Thea laughed and flipped him off.

Matt whistled as the elevator doors closed behind Thea. “I see what you see in her,” he told Kevin. “Did you see her biceps?”

Dan looked over. “I did, and I agree with your assessment, but stop being creepy and objectifying her.”

“No, Babe!” Matt argued instantly, looking horrified. “I would never! I was thinking about how great she would be at spooning.”

Allison snorted. “You’re just bitter that your girlfriend is so much smaller than you that you never get to be the little spoon.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Dan. “He’s the little spoon, like, eighty percent of the time. He loves being the little spoon.”

“Everyone loves to be the little spoon,” defended Matt. “It makes you feel safe!”

“Seriously?” Allison asked Dan. “How does that even work?”

Dan shrugged. “He’s better at curling into a little ball than you’d expect from someone his size.”

“You guys are just making fun of me because I'm not intimidating like Andrew or quietly terrifying like Neil,” said Matt. “Or model-handsome like Neil. Or funny like Neil. I love you, Neil.”

“I certainly got that impression,” said Neil. “Hey, speaking of funny, can you help me come up with some more insults for Andrew?”

“Well,” said Matt thoughtfully. “He’s kind of got that dark Sith lord thing going on, so maybe referring to him as Palpatine?” Neil stared at him blankly. “Oh, come on, Neil! You’ve heard of Palpatine!”

“You must realize that my answer is no,” said Neil.

Matt sighed. “He’s the bad guy in Star Wars.”

“Uh huh,” said Neil. “And what's Star Wars?”

Kevin’s distressed groan drowned out Matt’s incredulous response. “Oh, no,” he lamented. “I forgot to get Jeremy to sign this.”

“Kevin, you’re the most organized person here; you have multiple binders about proper procedure. How did you possibly forget?” Dan asked.

“I guess I was just so starstruck,” replied Kevin. “He’s so handsome and smiley. Now, I’m going to have to go see him again, maybe even after hours.” He paused. “I know it sounds like I’m complaining-”

“Nobody thought that,” Matt cut him off.

“Not even for a moment,” added Dan.

The elevator doors opened again and Renee and Andrew came out, carrying trays with take-out coffee cups. Renee was holding two full trays and Andrew had a single tray with two cups. Renee started distributing the coffees to her coworkers who thanked her profusely.

Andrew went to Neil’s desk. “Two coffees,” he said. “Cream and six sugars for me, black for you.”

Neil took the offered cup and batted his eyelashes. “You remembered how I like it?”

“Yes,” said Andrew. “I somehow managed to remember all the zero things you like to put in your plain, black coffee.” He made his way over to his own desk.

Neil looked at his cup. It had ‘Junkie’ and ‘119%’ written on it. He smiled.

“Andrew,” hissed Nicky, as Andrew sat down. “What did you say to Neil? He looks like the human equivalent of the heart eyes emoji!”

“I called him a grackle with a soul as black as his coffee,” Andrew answered.

“A…” Nicky trailed off. “And his response was to grin like a lovesick fool? Do you think he’s alright? You know, mentally?”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “I think that he has more issues than National Geographic does.”

“National Geographic?” Renee asked.

“What?” asked Andrew. “I love National Geographic. Sometimes there are pictures of predators devouring their prey.”

* * *

Andrew grumbled to himself as he made a cup of coffee in the break room. It was past time to leave for the night, but he was going to be stuck at the precinct for another hour or so while he finished up a report. Almost everyone had left and the night shift workers were in a briefing, so the bullpen was as empty as it ever got, much to his satisfaction.

When he got back to his desk, he found a piece of folded paper with his name on it. At least, he was pretty sure it was his name. Being able to read Neil’s handwriting was a gift. A useless, useless gift. He opened the note and read it. It read, ‘I like you. Do you like me? Check yes or no.’ He felt eyes on him and looked up. Neil was watching him, smirking, from across the room. He sauntered over and took a seat in the chair at Andrew’s desk reserved for victims or perps.

Andrew raised an eyebrow in question. “Oh,” Neil explained. “We’ve been metaphorically pulling each other’s pigtails for weeks now. I thought it was time that we escalate our middle school flirtation.”

Andrew checked one of the boxes on the note.

“Oooh, do you _like_ like me?” Neil asked teasingly.

Andrew held up the sheet and, without breaking eye contact, pulled his lighter out of his pocket and set the note on fire.

Neil chuckled and then looked around to ensure that no one they knew was around. He reached out and cupped Andrew’s face, rubbing his thumb across Andrew’s cheekbone. Andrew absolutely did not lean into his hand, nor did he brush his knuckles along the sensitive skin on the underside of Neil’s wrist.

“So,” said Neil, dropping his hand and sitting back in the chair, “you’re stuck here for a little bit longer?” At Andrew’s nod, he continued, “I’m going to go to the gym with Kevin and then we’re going back to his place to watch exy. He said he’d make dinner: grilled salmon and quinoa with green juice on the side.”

Andrew wrinkled his nose. “That sounds like the worst evening ever.”

“It sounds fun,” protested Neil.

“How am I attracted to you?” Andrew asked, then shook his head dismissively. “Doesn’t matter, I am. You’ll be home late, then?”

Neil nodded. “After the game. The good news is that since I’ll be at Kevin’s, I’ll be near that ice cream shop that you like. Do you want me to-”

“Moose Tracks,” Andrew cut him off. “Four pints.”

“Only four?” said Neil fondly.

The elevator doors opened and Kevin came out, carrying his gym bag. “Neil!” called Kevin. “Ready to go?”

“Yup,” said Neil, getting up and heading out.

“Neil,” Andrew called after him. Neil turned to look at him. “Don’t run for too long,” he said. “You wouldn’t want your cloven hoofs to get sore.”

Neil resumed walking away. “You calling me the devil, Andrew?” he asked over his shoulder, his voice rich with amusement.

“No, I’m calling you a goat,” said Andrew. “You goat.”

Neil’s laugh followed him into the elevator and echoed through the room. And, if the bright, happy sound brought a small but genuine smile to Andrew’s face… well, there was no one around to see it.

**Author's Note:**

> I think I could be convinced to write another couple of these, provided people still enjoy it :)
> 
> I can be found on tumblr [@gluupor](http://gluupor.tumblr.com).


End file.
